February 19.

Dec 1994
Fuck. I'm pregnant. Fuck.

Jan 1995
Made the appointment. Borrowed $285 from my older brother. Arranged a ride from my older sister to drive me across the state line. My parents didn't need to know.

Feb 18 1995
Fuck. Got grounded for 'acting up.' Tomorrow is my appointment. Fuck.
"dad...i can't be grounded."
"You'd better believe--"
"ihavetogetanabortiontomorrow"
"--"
"dad?"
"Do you have a ride?"
Awkward hug.
"yes."

Feb 19 1995
A peaceful drive. Picketers outside. Protective sister. Children holding signs. Inside was safe. One last test. One last chance to have been mistaken. (No. Yes. No.) Counseling session. Explanation. Instructions. "She's young, give her the shot." Swirls. Fast. Recovery room. Pretzels. Salt. Ugly. Ugly.

Feb 20 1995 - ?
My mother held it against me. Not because of politics. Maybe because we didn't get along. Or maybe she couldn't understand, because she'd lost two babies, and not by choice. Maybe it ripped open her wounds.

She told whomever would listen. A friend's parents let me stay over for a few nights. They saved my life by letting me be: a girl who'd tried to fix a terrible mistake.

? - Feb 19 2012
I don't regret it. I don't dream of it. I am no longer angry with my mother. But today, like every year, I think on it. I know how lucky I am. I know I chose correctly. This time, I'm sharing it with whomever will listen.

To the girls: you are not alone. If it feels that way, come and find me.

you'd know her.

Warning: this post is full of braggery.

I got a wonderful book in the mail yesterday.
Let me back up--I got a rock as a going away present.
Wait, wait. I'll start here: Do you know Jennifer Bethel?

If you don't, I'm sorry for you. She is the friendiest person I know (not friendliest--she's slow to trust). She's the friendiest. The most friend you'll ever find. She'll take your heart right out of your chest, fill it up with thought and wonder, and shove it back in, in one written letter, one gesture, one moment. She's quiet and deadly. My friendiest person.

Jennifer gave me a very personal, very private letter at my going away get together along with a small gift. I read her letter the next morning, standing up in my kitchen. It was long but I didn't blink once. I ate it up for breakfast that morning, readoured it, mesmerized at her clean and unique prose and ideology, and I slop-cried big ole tears and smeared its ink.

In two pages, she taught me about friendship and grief and longing and love. She called me unrestrained and living and going. She gave me what is perhaps the greatest compliment of my life: "You want what is true to be available to whoever wants to see it and know it and keep it."

After marveling at the letter, a magical gift in itself, I opened the gift she had given me. This rock:

It came with a special story. It does not suffice to say that it meant a lot (a lot lot) to her, but it's just too much to share out loud here. Not because I want it all for myself, but maybe that is a part of it.

Then yesterday, my first package was delivered to my new apartment in my new corner of the world. No note, no fancy gift wrap, just this children's picture book:

Have you ever seen it? The book is from 1974 and has stark black, white and gold illustrations. It poignantly tells ten rules on how to find the perfect rock to love and care for. A rock that is so special, if somebody says, "What's so special about that rock?" you won't feel inclined to explain it.

I want to look back at this time again and again. So yes. For the sake of my poor memory, for the sake of storytelling, this is me bragging about my rock. About my friendiest friend. About how much I'm loved.

you would be mine.

Just in time for Valentine's Day, exclusive Toddler's & Tiaras valentines for the special someone in your life. Enjoy!

I'd get the job.

This week, I'm prepping for job interviews for public librarian positions. I thought I'd share my own personal job search/interview rules, in case any of it is useful or amusing.

First comes the job search during which you must ask yourself some tough questions:

• How desperate am I for a job? 
  Sometimes a really skeezy job is appealing because, well, you need a paycheck in a shitty economy. Other times, like if you are a librarian superstar or have a sugar bear who pays the rent, you can afford to be picky. In this case, you definitely have the upper hand during the interview. More on that later.
• Am I willing to relocate?
  You almost have to be these days. There are public librarian jobs out there, they're just WAY out there sometimes. Convince your family that Juneau is nice during the summer, or find a new sweetie who will relocate to Arkansas with you. Keep in mind that most public libraries are too poor to fly you out for an interview or pay relocation fees. Make sure, in an untacky way, they realize you are not expecting these things. If you find a nice library that will fly you out, HOORAY! That also means they must be pretty durn healthy, moneywise.
• How secure is the job I'm applying for?
  Do the state and local governments support libraries? Have there ever been layoffs? Have they recently reorganized and so many people have quit that they have openings?
• Does the library have a thriving Friends group or Foundation? A healthy Friends group means community support and it could mean big money for your library that's easier to spend than public funds. On the other hand, some Friends are Frenemies and try to run the library themselves. (Side note: did you know that many Friends I know don't even have library cards? Strange, right? Some people just want to be involved in the community, some just know that libraries are important, even if not to them).
• What do they want?
  Read the job description carefully and work some of the ideas into your resume. See what databases they offer and become proficient in them. If you are a genealogy librarian applying for a children's position, make sure you learn your stuff by studying up and observing and talking to librarians with the position. Tweak the descriptions of your skills to fit the job.

Then comes the application, resume, and cover letter.
Seriously, people, don't mess this part up. As a librarian, part of your job might be to help people with their resumes, so you HAVE TO HAVE A GOOD ONE. Here are some tips:

• No two of your own resumes should look alike. That means personalize them for the job at hand. 
• Don't get fancy. Libraries like to pretend they are cutting edge, but Skype interviews are as cutting edge as most libraries get. If you want to have a neato online resume, mention it in your cover letter, but don't send a link as a resume replacement.
• Check your spelling and formatting and make at least four of your smart friends look it over. If you can afford it, hire a resume writer. Go to the library. Look up great examples and use their templates. 
• For your three references, choose one supervisor, one coworker, and one subordinate. It says to employers "I'm a good supervisor, I make my boss look good, and gee golly, my colleagues like me."
• If they provide a mailing address and an email address, send your resume both ways. 
• If emailing your cover letter and resume, send the cover letter as an attachment rather than writing it in the email. There'a a better chance they'll print it out if it's an attachment. And save your files as PDFs to make absolutely sure they see exactly what you intend, rather than have an embarrassing doc conversion travesty occur.

When you finally get an interview, first, pat yourself on the back. This is a big deal. Probably jazillion people applied and they chose you to interview. The only person who can fuck this up at this point is you. Do the following and you might not ruin your chances.

The day before the interview:

• Primp.
  Fix those scraggy cuticles, shave your legs, trim your beard, exercise, eat some broccoli, get your hair or eyebrows done, etc. Just do what makes you feel your best, because during a terrible interview, you can at least rub your silky legs together and think, "Oh yeah, baby, I'm a goddess" (or a god, or whatever).
• Read up.
  Scour the library's website and familiarize yourself with their policies and offerings. Prepare some questions you can ask.
• Watch train wreck TV.
  Hoarders, Intervention, or Toddlers and Tiaras are shows that will instantly boost your confidence. Just imagine you are up against one of these weirdos and you'll do fine.
• Don't be an asshole.
  Go to bed early, don't binge drink, don't get into a fight with your partner, or get arrested. No one wants to hire someone who has face bruises or smells like the drunk tank.
• Plan your route and your outfit.
  Act like it's the first day of school and you'll do fine. But not the first day of high school, okay? That means not too much makeup, or any cologne or perfume, and don't show any cleavage, or look like a dumbass of any kind. Hide your cool librarian tattoos until after you get the job.

At the interview:

• Bring copies of your resume and a notebook and pen. 
• Smile, make good eye contact, shake hands like Baby Bear (not too firm, not too soft, just right). Have good posture.
• Be prepared to ask good questions, even if you don't care what the answers are. Just be sure not to ask something you could easily find on their website. Possible questions include:
  -Why is this position open?
  -How long did the last person hold the job?
  -Have there ever been redundancies in this organization?
  -Can you tell me about the organizational structure?
• If you can afford to be picky, don't be scared to ask some tougher questions to really see if it'd be a good fit for you. Just be sure to save the questions for when they invite them.
• Once in a while, you'll get an interviewer who overshares. Maybe on the way out, she tells you about her son in Iraq or how she adopted a crackhead over on Belmont and is helping to raise her babies, or maybe a family member just passed away. In the event of a rare overshare, try your hardest not to become personally involved. Listen sympathetically, but try to end the conversation as quickly and politely as possible. You don't want to miss out on the job because she's too embarrassed to ever see you again.

Lethal weapons:

• Emphasize that you are fantastic at giving good customer service. Whether your customers are patrons or staff, interviewers should love this.
• Have at least one "I used my discretion and had this great outcome" story in your back pocket. Mine (a real example) goes something like this: "This guy who worked for me hated answering the phone and avoided it at all costs. When he did answer the phone, he was rude to the callers and sometimes handed calls off to others. Coworkers were getting angry and complaining. While trying to figure out how to approach him, it dawned on me that his hearing was poor and he might not have liked answering the phone because he had trouble hearing the person on the other end. I tested out my theory by scheduling him on another desk where he didn't need to answer the phone, but only had to help people face-to-face. His customer service skills improved instantly and his coworkers were happy, too." 
• Have at least one excellent customer service story. I have the donut guy story (which I preface with "now this one was really going beyond the call of duty...). At the very least, have a simple "I smile at every person because it might be the only smile they see all day" kind of sentiment.
• Somehow throw in that you don't participate in workplace gossip. Employers love employees who don't cause trouble and this is a good sign that you don't. Also, don't participate in gossip!

So that's it. That's how I prepare. Tell me how wrong I am or share your own tips! And good luck with the job search.

but this time, it isn't.

I can't do it.

I was going to write a post about all of the Fresno things and people I will miss. I've started three times. But this time, writing is not coming easily to me. Instead, I've made a wordless list of things that have meant so much. One thing I can always make is a list.